Rosanna’s Story

Maya first called 13 11 14 in 2013 when she found the painful circumstances in her life were increasing her distress and overwhelming her capacity to cope.

Like many people who seek help from Lifeline, she never wanted to end her life but her emotional pain was so great that she couldn’t see a way forward alone. She made the brave decision to pick up the phone and ask for help.

I thought before I go and make any decisions, I wanted to speak to someone who’s removed from the situation. I wanted to speak to someone who doesn’t know me or my family and I was kind of deep down hoping that they would agree with me, that I shouldn’t be here.

I called Lifeline instead, and

When I called Lifeline, they calmed me down to start off with because I wasn’t getting any words out, nothing coherent. I didn’t know how I was going to talk to the person on the phone and I felt like I was wasting their time because all I could do was cry and I couldn’t even get any words out.

I spoke to someone who just sat and listened to me cry, which was almost relieving because I didn’t have to say anything. I could just sit there, pour my heart out and I had this person on the phone saying “it’s OK”, reassuring me and letting me know what I needed to do.

They listened to me, they heard what I had to say and it was like a weight off my shoulders. Finally, I could stop the tears, I could stop the hysterics, I could talk and get help. It was like after a thunderstorm passes and everything clears up.

The crisis supporter got me questioning and challenging why I thought the way I did. It helped to have somebody who was of a rational mind, who was an outside party who could make me think about what I was about to do, rationally outside of the emotion. I made the decision to do what was right, not what was easy.

It’s really scary to talk to somebody who you don’t know about what’s going on in your head, but it is a lot scarier to battle the demons on your own and to nearly have them win. So I would rather take the first option.

I’m eternally grateful to them, I don’t know what their name is – I just remember she was a female. I have no recollection of anything else except for the fact that she told me I was worth it. She told me that life would not be better for my kids if I wasn’t there. That’s my story.

I am a 49 year old man, serving 21 years in the Defence Force. But it all started back when I was a teenager and followed me through my life.

At the age of 13, I started drinking to run away from my pain. I found out the hard way that drinking and suicide ideation don’t mix and ended up in rehab at age 22. I have been sober ever since.

In about 2010, my thoughts started turning back towards ending my life. I found myself going through a life changing and traumatising accident. This left me thinking about ending my life, once again. I knew a part of myself didn’t come back with me and knew I was going to be a danger to myself, so I asked for help.

My life had changed forever. I lost count of how many times I tried to take my life and I wasn’t able to work again. We moved to Perth (where my family live) so I could have support. I called someone every morning to say I was alive. Sometimes they would call me if I hadn’t made the call, even though sometimes it was as simple as me not being able to find my phone.

Suicide ideation wasn’t all I was dealing with. I had severe anxiety, I couldn’t speak more than three words without stuttering and I had the shakes so bad I had to think really hard to make it stop. I have depression and PTSD, memory loss, and even a little brain damage. I felt like I was a prisoner in my own world – I didn’t see a way out of my situation, so my thoughts kept coming back to taking my own life.

Through time, and with a lot of hard work, I was able to slowly re-enter the world. I started to think: ‘I am walking forward’. I even felt the need to help other Veterans. If I can walk forward, so can they. Sometimes I felt my efforts fell on deaf ears, so I would lose hope again. Time and time again, I had to find new paths to follow.

I found myself working in my garden and listening to music, and I started to write poetry. These things were so helpful, and writing poetry was new for me. I didn’t know I could do it. But I did know, it was time to turn things around again.

With the right support, my life was taking a new turn – from always thinking about taking my life, to being well enough to talk to others about where I had come from to where I am now. I was slowly growing and my mindset was changing. I was thinking ‘I CAN do this,’ and it had been a long time since I thought that.

From a scared and broken child in a man’s body to a man with hope, I was slowly able to reconnect to society. I was pushing my personnel boundaries into new territories.

Yes I have PTSD, and yes I have other mental ailments, yet I am not waiting at home for them to run my life. Now, I have learnt the self-care skills it takes to keep me well.

“Remember, from darkness comes beauty.”

Looking back, I’ve realised that even as a child I felt really different, unworthy and that I didn’t deserve things.

I was convinced that I was unlovable and I constantly tried to get approval from my family and others, and I just felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. It was really hard because not having the words to articulate things as a child is probably the most difficult thing.

My first experience with depression was at 8 years old, which I can remember. At 18 I was formally diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety disorder and mild OCD. Only my immediate family knew and if anyone asked I denied it, I just hid it from everyone. So essentially it was like hiding a part of myself all these years.

Over the years I managed my symptoms by keeping busy, taking medication and avoiding any conversations about my mental health. I tried many different types of treatment, several different psychologists and medications.

I attempted to take my life in 2013. I think it was the result of many years in denial about what was actually happening internally and ignoring the emotional pain that I was in. It was a last ditch effort because I felt like didn’t have any other options and I really thought suicide was my only way out.

Fortunately, I survived the attempt and ended up in an inpatient facility for 3 months. It was the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking, peaceful and amazing experience. It was during these moments that I realised not being true to myself was killing me and is a massive trigger for my depression and anxiety.

It was profound and it was hard because it was the parts of myself that I didn’t want to go near. I didn’t want to get in touch with those raw emotions because it was going to be painful but I realise that I had to just feel it, sit with what was with going on. It was the first time that I allowed myself to be truly me and accept what was going on. I learned that acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, and it doesn’t mean that I am defined by my illness. With the aid of the right treatment and support network, I began to recover.

I think Lifeline can offer that support when we’re not ready to speak to our family or friends. They will be there for you without needing to know who you are and there’s no judgement there. You don’t have to suffer alone.

Stefani Caminiti is an avid mental health advocate and speaker with a mission to help support people in achieving mental wellness, through her Inner Ninja Foundation. By sharing her lived experience of severe depression and anxiety she encourages others to seek help to learn to manage their illness.